I just started typing in the new year 2011 but of course did what I had expected I would do and inputted 2010 typ-o. I got the 1st three correct, the 4th slipped. Anyhow here we are and I made it. I've been about a year and 1/2 or so now with Lupus. I don't know if I should count from June 2009 when I got my first symptom of dizziness, nausea for a week but was diagnosed around September 2009 or so by the Rhueme, actually my own wonderful Doctor Wu, and internal medicine doctor 1st diagnosed me with Lupus just sent me to the Rheume to confirm- Thank you, Thank you Dr. Wu! He saved my body organs before it got way worst.
So far I have only been on the same Plaquenil 200 mg 2x's a day and Naproxen 500 mg as needed. Today I needed it but I'm still trying not to take it. Again, testing my body on how much discomfort I can stand. I don't want to be full of meds in my body that later it won't work when I really need it.
I've read about others taking Predisone and steroids for pain, I really don't want to get there. I take my meds like clockwork and I avoid any stress as much as I can and I stay away from the sun. I feel like a vampire, seriously, I think to myself, I rode my bike for hours on end by the beach and snorkeled in Hawaii like no big deal. I put sunscreen only on my back and nose where I normally get a sunburn. This past Christmas weekend I tried to go get me some after store specials, nice warm sweaters, but once I hit the freeway and the sun glared through my window, it felt so good, so warm, sparkling in my eyes after the big rains we just had. I gave myself just a view minutes of it to feel it before pulling the sunviser over. Once I got to the mall 15 minutes away, the malaise hit me, no way I told myself, head back home since I was there on my own.
That has been the part that kills me the most. I keep having this fear, I can't be anywhere alone if something happens. I had a really bad ear ache also during Christmas time. Doctor told me it was a viral ear infection so no bacteria, and no antibiotics for this kind of ear infection. Doctor said would take 3-6 weeks to get better on it's own. I still hear an echo in my right ear but what scared me was driving to get to the doctor appointment. I was literally alone, driving myself and having vertigo, dizziness, not a good feeling to have while driving. I honestly have never had that feeling of vertigo ever in my life and it is the worst uncontrollable feeling. I felt myself spinnning or swirling around me. Things were swerving to the left when I was trying to keep focused on keeping myself straight. Well I got some meds, Meclezine, to help. It is similar to Dramamine but this one made me feel way out of it. My body felt numb and everything was in slow motion. Also it made me super drowsy, so there was no way I could take the meds, drive, and work. So I stopped taking them and just put warm towels on my ears that I read about so far it seems to have helped.
Thanks to God, I haven't caught a cold or anything, not even a sneeze, knock on wood quick! I had taken my annual flu shot back in September and got through it without any repercussions so maybe my immune system is a little stronger than I thought. Let's keep it this way Lord!
As for my move to Texas, it is now set in stone in my mind. I plan to leave by July 15th, 2011 for sure. My son will head out with me I think, he really wanted to stay here in California and go to college here and honestly, I really wish I could provide this for him and stay another 4 to 5 years if I could. But the reality is that I can't. I haven't been the 100% I normally used to feel. My body keeps me from going further than I want to. My brain has headaches, my joints ache and I freeze like a popsicle in any 45 degree weather. I haven't gotten sick but just the few symptoms alone keeps me home from being me. I need help from my family back home even if just to check on me once in awhile or to call on to go pick up my meds.
Also, my 21 year daughter has moved out since before Thanksgiving. I guess I drove her out. Only because of the anxiety and stress the thought was causing me because she already told me she wasn't going to go with me back home to Texas. Other things had transpired with this so in the end, she moved out to live with her boyfriend so she can plan to stay here in California. I pushed her out of my house sooner so that she can be sure by the time I leave that is what she wants to do. Also, for myself, for my health, I have to be selfish that all the thoughts of her staying behind breaks my heart. Here I am crying again...(big sigh) I know our kids have to grow up eventually and leave, and her leaving so that she can stay and finish her college degree is very noble and a good reason. I just didn't think this day was so close and around the corner. It's like a ton of bricks just fell on me, fell on my heart. So for me to take a day after day knowing she was going to leave me by July, I pushed here away to leave now to go experience what she said she wants to. I was 17 1/2 when I ran away, but my situation was way different. But she is 21 and very responsible, and very independent, to a fault, she is just like me. (another big sigh)..all I can do is pray for her, that things, that life treats her well, that she is safe, that she is taken care of. I still hope that she will go back home with me but at least my heart is just floating on wishes and prayers.
I talk to my family back home and they are all excited to hear I am finally coming home after 18 years. I'm even having dreams about it like it was already here. It's like I left a part of me over there, and will eventually leave a part of me here in California with the good friends that have been here for me. I will come back to visit.
My plan now is that I want to go to nursing school. The thought came in my head when I met these patients in the hospital when I was there a while back. They were way worse off than me. One had diabetes with no legs and was fighting pneumonia, the other woman I'm not sure what she had but she had a dialysis done everyday I was there for her kidneys. Later I learned what that all meant. I visited with each one, we were all sharing the same room. I told myself I wanted to touch these people who were ailing, who were sad, who were in despair. In some way, I wanted to help them, I want to do so much more for others. I know having Lupus and becoming a nurse does not sound like a great mix, but I am not afraid to try. I want a purpose in my life that is not about me but about doing more for others. I have great compassion, I want to bring a smile, a small laugh, a gentle hand. Right now selling insurance to people just doesn't cut it for me. It paid the bills and helped me raise my kids. But that job is done and I need more in my life to be fulfilled and complete.
I hope that things just work out the way they should. I have some stiffness in my neck and back now is starting to hurt and my fingers are starting to get numb from all the computer typing I've done today. So I will leave it at this, I pray that my journey will take me to a better place, to a less stressful, happier, and fullfilled life.
