Tuesday, July 27, 2010

July 27, 2010 Missing Work and Disability

I think it is July 27th, I don't remember. I hadn't written anything because I was holding off until I felt well enough to type in here but every day seems to change one good day I accomplish things I need to get done around the house, then the next day I don't feel so great. I read someone's blog that dismayed me a little, about not wanting to read the whining, complaining about aches and pains type of blogs about SLE but this is my blog, my own outlet to what I feel, just like I used to write in my paper journals.

Well where I am at now, I don't know, I have had these weird sudden symptoms, I don't think they are considered a flare because they go away after I rest. I just get this overwhelming feeling that I just don't feel good. I don't get nausea or dizzy or feel faint, it's hard to describe, I just feel sick all of a sudden and feel no strength or energy, not even to lift a pen or push a button I can't get my brain to tell my hand movement. Then the feeling comes back where I can and I move around just enough to get me home from work. Which now I realize, I shouldn't be doing. I have no where to lay down at work and I can't lay in my car because it is hot and that makes me feel sick too.

I just found that out the hard way couple of weeks ago, I was waiting in my car for my son to get out of his football practice and I didn't think I was affected by the sunlight because I am dark-skinned but I was wrong, just being in the heat raised my temperature and I got this overwhelming feeling of not feeling too good. Luckily my son came out of his football practice in time to drive us home. I just didn't understand what had suddenly happened. It was another wake up call that stuff is still happening. I'm not too aware of it all yet or exposed to what is to come.

I still break out in hives, take Benadryl when I can't stand the itching anymore, I get fevers especially at night, I get the "fog" and forget things, my lower back spine hurts more especially in the mornings when I try to get up, I don't sleep all night anymore because I'm tossing and turning again from the pain in my arms and hands when I lay on them for awhile. I still keep having the weird long, long dreams. At least now they are not nightmares with blood and gorey stuff. They just go on and on like a movie. I wake up feeling tired and restless. But I'm not kidding, every single night, I have these stupid dreams.

I left my work a couple of times last week without pay and that hurts me a lot financially and it just adds to my stress. I just have no control of the feeling that just happens I don't feel good and just need to lie down. My co-worker suggested I lay down in the empty office and just bring a sleeping bag and pillow and told me I shouldn't be driving in that condition either. All true, I just didn't want to upset my boss or risk loosing my job when this happens all of a sudden.

Well I finally told my Boss yesterday if it was okay to have a blanket and pillow to lie down only when I really needed and using either my breaks, lunch, or I'd clock out to see if I can feel better to keep working for the day, he said that he didn't have much of a choice and that I should start looking at Disability.

Today I just started crying at work when I searched about Disability and it was overwhelming to read, even though SLE is on the list of disabilities, it depressed me to think I was getting there at age 42.

Social Security Disability Listings of Impairments:General.Systemic lupus erythematosus (SLE) is a chronic inflammatory disease that can affect any organ or body system. It is frequently, but not always, accompanied by constitutional symptoms or signs (severe fatigue, fever, malaise, involuntary weight loss). Major organ or body system involvement can include: Respiratory (pleuritis, pneumonitis), cardiovascular (endocarditis, myocarditis, pericarditis, vasculitis), renal (glomerulonephritis), hematologic (anemia, leukopenia, thrombocytopenia), skin (photosensitivity), neurologic (seizures), mental (anxiety, fluctuating cognition (“lupus fog”), mood disorders, organic brain syndrome, psychosis), or immune system disorders (inflammatory arthritis). Immunologically, there is an array of circulating serum autoantibodies and pro- and anti-coagulant proteins that may occur in a highly variable pattern.

Reading about All these symptoms, diagnoses and stuff it said, just seemed like so much. I've read other people's blogs and they have all seem to have several of these symptoms, it just made me think, now which one is next for me to go through.

Monday, July 19, 2010

June 13, 2010 old paper journals

I haven't written in over a month. Well I saw my new Doctor again and he confirmed a second time, after eleven blood tests, that I do have Lupus. So far I have had no major flares, just chest pain by my heart once in a while. I still get bad back pain and headaches but I now take the Naproxen 500 mg when I need to and the pain goes away. Right now I don't have the pain in my hands. I get dry eyes sometimes so I put eye drops that help moisturize them. I just hate my stress at work on sales quotas that frustrates me. Otherwise I could be happy and more relaxed. I hope to lose some weight by exercising again. I've started to use my treadmill for thirty minutes, other days I use a low impact aerobics or resistance band video workout. I feel it helps my joints to stretch out, it helps my stress, and I sleep a lot better at night. I know the difference now, from a flare, and now that I am in remission.

I have been able to hang out now with my friends again and go out. Before I had no strength or energy to go anywhere much less stay up late. I still break out in hives more on my hands and back legs and arms, I get blisters and I hate having to take the Benadryl again because it just puts me to sleep and it's hard for me to come out of the daze in the morning. I wake up having weird dreams than go back to sleep to only wake up from another weird dream. I don't have a loss of appetite or nausea anymore. I'll get random headaches and then sinus pressure on my nose so I take the Naproxen and feel better.

I finally figured out what I thought was a loss in memory when I forget things, what I'm saying or where I'm going, they call it "brain fog" which is what makes more sense to me now. Because I don't really forget, I'll remember a few seconds later but by then I've already driven the wrong direction, or said the wrong word, so yes, having "brain fog" is what it is, a cloudy thought that later becomes clear and your focused again.

May11 and May 16, 2010 old paper journals

May 11, 2010-Last time I wrote in my notebook was 3/13/10, time flys. I wasn't writing for awhile I haven't had any flares. I'm not as tired or sleeping a lot as much. I still get itchy but not hives like before so I don't take the Benadryl anymore. I'm trying to be active again. Now that we have moved to a rental house. I had to let my house go in order to keep our health insurance. This helped alot in lowering my stress. We are all happy here and that's all that matters to me. I do worry about 1 1/2 years from now when the child support ends how we will make ends meet but I hope all will work out that by then my daughter gets her Masters Degree, she will get a better paying job with medical benefits. She has Diabetes Type 1 and needs two types of insulin, humalog & lantus, syringes, test strips, and test needles. She has financial aid and student loans helping to get her through college and she works three jobs to help us make ends meet. I don't know my son's future once he graduates high school next year, we will all figure it out by then I guess.

I saw my new Rheumatologist, Dr. M. today. He was such a good doctor and asked me lots of questions and took lots of notes. A very big difference from my other Dr. D. who only talked to me like three minutes on my three visits with her. I still remember my first visit, she comes in tells me, You have Lupus, we'll start you on Plaquenil after an eye exam, see you in a month. No info no brochures, no questions about my symptoms. I'm so glad I changed doctors!

So for now my new doctor wants to do a full blood work testing, a test on my heart, echocardium sonogram of my heart. He is a litte concerned about why I have the chest pain. For now he wants me to stop taking the Naproxen (pain medication) to see if I still feel joint pain and if it is worse than before I started taking it. I usually take my pain medication twice a day at 7am and 8 pm.

I didn't take the 8pm pill it is now 10:45pm and I feel lower back pain. I was lying on my stomach earlier writing (doing my bills) and I had a lot of pain in my lower back. I could not turn myself over from so much pain. I couldn't even call out to my son to come help me from the pain. Finally I turned over on my back but I had no strength and felt a sharp pain in my lower back. I waited and little by little I got up. I want to try one day 24 hours just to see how I do without the pain medication. I am curious myself where my body is at. I also have that dry cough again and the sharp chest pain. I want to see what happens just so I can know. The Doctor thought it was rare and too soon for me to have been diagnosed with Lupus so quickly. He wants to make sure that is what I have. If I feel pain (more) than what I have, he wants to put me on steroids, which I don't want or he can tell me I don't have Lupus but something else. We will see with the blood test.

May 16, 2010- Today has been an odd day. I woke up early kind of like in a daze like sleep walking, it's 7am. I was so exhausted yet I was able to get up early I had my morning coffee and I wanted to sit outside in the backyard patio steps and just be by myself in thought and sounds. Hearing the birds chirping, I played ball with my dog Shadow, she makes me laugh. I smelled my pretty roses. I came inside and decided to watch a movie, it was about Dr. Kivorkian, the suicide doctor. Not the best movie to see I guess when you have Lupus. It's an interesting subject though. At first seeing the beginning of the movie, it made lots of sense to me by ending someone's suffering with compassion, someone that wants to die. If terminal and there is no hope for them. As for me, I know I have some sort of illness whether it is Lupus or not I won't know for sure until my new doctor tells me different. I am off my pain pills and even though there has been a few instances when I want to take them, like now, my lower back spine is hurting or I've had some bad headaches, I choose not to take the pain killers (Naproxen). I like the free will I have to say no yet I allow myself to suffer. Why?? because I am testing my own body on how much pain I can endure, not as a punishment or sacrifice thing, but to show myself, if and when it does get worse, what could be the maximum I can take. I feel my body is just that, a body, parts, organs, flesh, it should not have any bearing on my soul. I don't feel I have to suffer for God to see my soul do I?

Today I felt some shortness of breath, my dry cough, my eyes hurt so I'll need to close them pretty soon, but I don't feel tired or exhausted, just struggling to work at breathing like my lungs are not working too good right now. But back to my thoughts about Dr. Kivorkian and my opinion if I was to get to the point of wanting to end my life, I feel my faith in God would have to step in and say no. We as human beings cannot play God. Our life is not at our own will. The world could be in a better place if we all took some time and just stopped and listened. We all are born with a body, a heart, a soul, a brain, it is what we choose to do with all of it that could make a difference. It can make a difference to someone else. If we have money are we going to hoard it and save it for when and if we get to be old when there is someone who could use your help now? If we have hands and legs, are we not going to lend a helping hand to help lift someone else off the ground that is truly down? Doesn't our heart feel the pain or anquish of someone else's? Yet we don't even try to reach out to them. Our soul is going to be the only part of our body that will be going to heaven, you should ask yourself sometime, if you think you are going to heaven, "have you done more for others?"

March 1 and March 13, 2010 old paper journal

Real quick note going to bed now. I'm really, really tired doing my taxes, my budget, planning our move. So far everything is working out. I'm not going to Hawaii on vacation guess it's for the best until all is done. I feel okay just tired and my eyes hurt, got eye drops to help but just know they get tired easier from working on a computer at my job. My hand hurts writing so I know my writing is getting sloppier guess I should type instead of writing this journal. Going to bed tired.

March 13,2010-almost time to move in a couple of weeks. Makes me a little sad yet a little excited for something new. My kids are okay with it and that makes it a whole lot easier for me. They have grown up here in this house and it's time to move on to our next journey. I'm happy we are all still together. There has been some rough times. I never understood my daughter's illness, she has juvenile Diabetes Type 1, since she was 15 years old. We now have it better under control, she only weighed 120 and went down to 90 lbs before the ER told us what she had, other docs couldn't figure it out, just didn't do that one single blood test and she would have been diagnosed before I almost lost her. My son has grown into a good kid and I seem him and my daughter going places in their lives that should be better than mine was. That was always my goals for my kids not to be without things they wanted, a roof over their heads, their friends they grew up with around them after my divorce 10 years ago. They did their part too by being good kids getting good grades, no drugs or alcohol problems, it makes me more proud to see them now.

Now I'm just getting the house ready to move out now, I have good friends helping us move. As for my Lupus, I still have my good days and bad days. More good days lately guess I am in remission. Right now no flares, I just feel the usual joint pains, headaches and my face rash comes and goes. I am starting to itch a lot more and I break out in hives and I'll take Benadryl but it will knock me out for two hours or for the rest of the night. I can't take it while I'm at work so I end up having to go home and losing pay. I go to bed now at 7:30, 8 or 9pm when I feel tired and I wake up feeling better if I rest enough. My eyes still hurt and I can't see as great as I used to but I don't think I'm going blind or see blurry just my eyes hurt and I need to close them for awhile to not strain them. I'm thinking it could be the nerves inside my eyes that hurt the most.

So far only two months taking my meds. But I do forget things, I say stupid things that come out wrong when I talk. I forget directions North/South, or names. I forget what day it is sometimes especially on weekends. I had overdosed on my pills on Sunday thinking it was Monday so I took the pills twice in one day. My daughter helped me fix this problem by searching online and found me a pill machine that is battery operated, it has am./pm. and up to 3 weeks of pills so everyday it automatically goes off with a loud buzz and ejects my pill to take.

Feb 21, 2010 old paper journal

Now about a month & 3 weeks taking the Plaquenil (200mg) 2 a day. I'm beginning to feel the side effects. The bad itching, hives, I get hot then really cold. My heart aches and it seems to make me more weak after when that happens. I took two 81 mg aspirins that seemed to help with the chest pain but it takes awhile. I get the red rash on my face when I feel a flare coming then I start to feel better as it goes away. I also notice my vocabulary stumbles on words that I say and come out all wrong. I think the thought but the words I use are incorrect which I hate, it makes me feel like I'm dumb. I forget things, like my bank PIN#, my alarm code at home or sometimes even where I am going. It's not all the time just random times. My vision has gotten a little blurry that now I need to wear my glasses right away when it starts to get dark. I get bruised easier that I don't know how I got them or when. My hands get real cold and hurt, I seem to make fists a lot but it hurts that I have to force my hands to stay open and flat especially when I sleep at night. I have been sleeping a lot more, I could sleep all day if I let myself but I force myself to get up because if I lay down all day my body hurts more and my joints are sore from not moving around. I don't think I am that sensitive to the sun as others. I don't intentionally lay out in the sun but I don't put hats or sunscreen on and I seem to be okay after a little while being in the sun probably because I am brown skinned. When I have a sudden flare I lose my appetite, I find it hard to swallow and I have lost all my energy. I just want to get home and lie down, then after 3-4 hours, I'll feel a little better. I don't seem to have much control of my body with the flares, they control me. The only thing I can control is taking my medications every day morning and night and making myself get up to go to work or make myself breakfast to make sure I ate at least once that day. I give myself the time to rest and sleep as much as I can so I can last the week at work. Right now my hand is starting to hurt from holding this pen to write. (from old journals I wrote with pen on paper)

I feel I have been taken away from things I liked to do but I'm thankful that I got to experience them. It's like going blind not but at least I got to see colors, I got to see my kids, a rainbow. I got to travel to sunny places, I rode my bike for miles on the beach and enjoyed the days in the sun. I have no regrets. My life will need to be at a slower pace now but I am okay with that. I've danced, I've ran around, I've enjoyed the company of my family and friends. Now I just need to slow down and take care of myself. I am not afraid though of whatever is to happen. I have always had a great faith in God and either here on earth or in heaven, I know that he is always by my side.

Next Dr appointment in July with my new Rhemutologist, Dr. M. No bad dreams anymore just really tired.

Jan 28-28, 2010 old paper journal

Thursday, 4pm. had chest pain since 8pm the night before comes and goes very sharp pain, scared me, thought could be a heart attack or very bad heartburn, which I never get-drove myself to Urgent Care. The doctor gave me an aspirin and nitroglycerin pill helped me feel better. Doctor took 4 vials of blood, x-rays and EKG said I was okay with the Lupus. Doctor said I will get chest pain to take ibruprofen told him I take 500 mg Naproxen said that works.

Jan 29, 2010 went to work called my Specialist Rhemutalogist, Dr. D, said she didn't understand why I went to the Urgent Care told her I had sharp chest pain, still felt my chest bone sore. Doctor asked if was taking the Naproxen, told her Yes! Twice a day am/pm, said to see her if over weekend got worse. I read on the internet it could be Pericarditis, it felt like I had those symptoms but it wasn't Thank God! I will get a new doctor in Rheumatology, Dr. D. does not explain any of my Lupus care or symptoms to me!

January 18, 2010 from my old paperJournal

I had a small flare, if that's what it was, I don't exactly know what a real flare is supposed to feel like. I had back pain, neck pain, headache and nausea. I couldn't eat. I needed to lie down. When my neck hurts it's very uncomfortable felling lying down helps me feel better. I woke up with some sensation on my neck but no more nausea. I lose my appetite when I feel a flare. I worry about my bills. I'm late for the 1st time ever in my mortgage short $700 this month because I missed two days of work and then had a car accident that wasn't my fault and had to pay a $250 deductible to fix my car. Not much I can do about it.

January 18, 2010 Started taking Plaquenil

Now taking Plaquenil. It's been 1 1/2 weeks (200 mg) two a day. I feel anxiety, dry mouth, get bloated, loss of appetite, and minor diarrhea. I have really long weird dreams. I now weigh 200 used to weigh 175 last year. I get full eating quick at every meal. I kind of force myself to eat since I have no appetite. The good thing is I have a sudden boost of energy. I don't feel as exhausted. Just right now, I am on my monthly thing and I ache more than normal. I feel that burning sensation on my neck and upper back. I do feel some loss of hearing, my eyes get blurry once in a while and I mispell or get my vocabulary all wrong on what I write or try to talk about. But at least I have no nausea or vomiting which I would hate! and so far no loss of my hair. But it's only been 12 days into it so we'll see.

Starting from the beginning - Before I was Diagnosed

July 2009- Sick Nausea/Dizzy for a week-went to Doctor- Blood test done-nothing wrong
August 2009- out of breath climbing small flight of stairs, never felt before, went to doctor had stress test at Cardiologist-all ok, took X-rays of lungs-all okay, Blood Anemia-all okay, Thyroid checked-okay, cholesterol-ok at 150 very good, said I had a low immune system doctor checking why
September 2009-more blood- went to see Specialist Rheumatologist- said I have an autoimmune disease-Lupus SLE- ANA test positive- only Good News, all organs are OK

December 2009 Prescribed Naproxen 500 mg 2 per day for joint pain felt all over legs, hands, fingers, shoulder, upper and lower back. I also had my eyes tested and dilated for a baseline on my current eye status to start taking Plaquenil January 2010. I went to get the H1n1 Swine flu shot-6 hours later I got a really high fever, faint, nausea,but later felt better. I drank lots of water. I woke up with a sudden pain on my back shoulder blade on my right side, put an ice pack, took Naproxen and felt sore the next day. I started getting warm sensations in my shoulders and upper back, had neck pain, rapid heartbeat and dry cough. I just slept all day. For the rest of the month, I had sore joints and felt really tired and had no energy.