March 1 and March 13, 2010 old paper journal

Real quick note going to bed now. I'm really, really tired doing my taxes, my budget, planning our move. So far everything is working out. I'm not going to Hawaii on vacation guess it's for the best until all is done. I feel okay just tired and my eyes hurt, got eye drops to help but just know they get tired easier from working on a computer at my job. My hand hurts writing so I know my writing is getting sloppier guess I should type instead of writing this journal. Going to bed tired.

March 13,2010-almost time to move in a couple of weeks. Makes me a little sad yet a little excited for something new. My kids are okay with it and that makes it a whole lot easier for me. They have grown up here in this house and it's time to move on to our next journey. I'm happy we are all still together. There has been some rough times. I never understood my daughter's illness, she has juvenile Diabetes Type 1, since she was 15 years old. We now have it better under control, she only weighed 120 and went down to 90 lbs before the ER told us what she had, other docs couldn't figure it out, just didn't do that one single blood test and she would have been diagnosed before I almost lost her. My son has grown into a good kid and I seem him and my daughter going places in their lives that should be better than mine was. That was always my goals for my kids not to be without things they wanted, a roof over their heads, their friends they grew up with around them after my divorce 10 years ago. They did their part too by being good kids getting good grades, no drugs or alcohol problems, it makes me more proud to see them now.

Now I'm just getting the house ready to move out now, I have good friends helping us move. As for my Lupus, I still have my good days and bad days. More good days lately guess I am in remission. Right now no flares, I just feel the usual joint pains, headaches and my face rash comes and goes. I am starting to itch a lot more and I break out in hives and I'll take Benadryl but it will knock me out for two hours or for the rest of the night. I can't take it while I'm at work so I end up having to go home and losing pay. I go to bed now at 7:30, 8 or 9pm when I feel tired and I wake up feeling better if I rest enough. My eyes still hurt and I can't see as great as I used to but I don't think I'm going blind or see blurry just my eyes hurt and I need to close them for awhile to not strain them. I'm thinking it could be the nerves inside my eyes that hurt the most.

So far only two months taking my meds. But I do forget things, I say stupid things that come out wrong when I talk. I forget directions North/South, or names. I forget what day it is sometimes especially on weekends. I had overdosed on my pills on Sunday thinking it was Monday so I took the pills twice in one day. My daughter helped me fix this problem by searching online and found me a pill machine that is battery operated, it has am./pm. and up to 3 weeks of pills so everyday it automatically goes off with a loud buzz and ejects my pill to take.

Feb 21, 2010 old paper journal

Now about a month & 3 weeks taking the Plaquenil (200mg) 2 a day. I'm beginning to feel the side effects. The bad itching, hives, I get hot then really cold. My heart aches and it seems to make me more weak after when that happens. I took two 81 mg aspirins that seemed to help with the chest pain but it takes awhile. I get the red rash on my face when I feel a flare coming then I start to feel better as it goes away. I also notice my vocabulary stumbles on words that I say and come out all wrong. I think the thought but the words I use are incorrect which I hate, it makes me feel like I'm dumb. I forget things, like my bank PIN#, my alarm code at home or sometimes even where I am going. It's not all the time just random times. My vision has gotten a little blurry that now I need to wear my glasses right away when it starts to get dark. I get bruised easier that I don't know how I got them or when. My hands get real cold and hurt, I seem to make fists a lot but it hurts that I have to force my hands to stay open and flat especially when I sleep at night. I have been sleeping a lot more, I could sleep all day if I let myself but I force myself to get up because if I lay down all day my body hurts more and my joints are sore from not moving around. I don't think I am that sensitive to the sun as others. I don't intentionally lay out in the sun but I don't put hats or sunscreen on and I seem to be okay after a little while being in the sun probably because I am brown skinned. When I have a sudden flare I lose my appetite, I find it hard to swallow and I have lost all my energy. I just want to get home and lie down, then after 3-4 hours, I'll feel a little better. I don't seem to have much control of my body with the flares, they control me. The only thing I can control is taking my medications every day morning and night and making myself get up to go to work or make myself breakfast to make sure I ate at least once that day. I give myself the time to rest and sleep as much as I can so I can last the week at work. Right now my hand is starting to hurt from holding this pen to write. (from old journals I wrote with pen on paper)

I feel I have been taken away from things I liked to do but I'm thankful that I got to experience them. It's like going blind not but at least I got to see colors, I got to see my kids, a rainbow. I got to travel to sunny places, I rode my bike for miles on the beach and enjoyed the days in the sun. I have no regrets. My life will need to be at a slower pace now but I am okay with that. I've danced, I've ran around, I've enjoyed the company of my family and friends. Now I just need to slow down and take care of myself. I am not afraid though of whatever is to happen. I have always had a great faith in God and either here on earth or in heaven, I know that he is always by my side.

Next Dr appointment in July with my new Rhemutologist, Dr. M. No bad dreams anymore just really tired.

Jan 28-28, 2010 old paper journal

Thursday, 4pm. had chest pain since 8pm the night before comes and goes very sharp pain, scared me, thought could be a heart attack or very bad heartburn, which I never get-drove myself to Urgent Care. The doctor gave me an aspirin and nitroglycerin pill helped me feel better. Doctor took 4 vials of blood, x-rays and EKG said I was okay with the Lupus. Doctor said I will get chest pain to take ibruprofen told him I take 500 mg Naproxen said that works.

Jan 29, 2010 went to work called my Specialist Rhemutalogist, Dr. D, said she didn't understand why I went to the Urgent Care told her I had sharp chest pain, still felt my chest bone sore. Doctor asked if was taking the Naproxen, told her Yes! Twice a day am/pm, said to see her if over weekend got worse. I read on the internet it could be Pericarditis, it felt like I had those symptoms but it wasn't Thank God! I will get a new doctor in Rheumatology, Dr. D. does not explain any of my Lupus care or symptoms to me!