May 11, 2010-Last time I wrote in my notebook was 3/13/10, time flys. I wasn't writing for awhile I haven't had any flares. I'm not as tired or sleeping a lot as much. I still get itchy but not hives like before so I don't take the Benadryl anymore. I'm trying to be active again. Now that we have moved to a rental house. I had to let my house go in order to keep our health insurance. This helped alot in lowering my stress. We are all happy here and that's all that matters to me. I do worry about 1 1/2 years from now when the child support ends how we will make ends meet but I hope all will work out that by then my daughter gets her Masters Degree, she will get a better paying job with medical benefits. She has Diabetes Type 1 and needs two types of insulin, humalog & lantus, syringes, test strips, and test needles. She has financial aid and student loans helping to get her through college and she works three jobs to help us make ends meet. I don't know my son's future once he graduates high school next year, we will all figure it out by then I guess.
I saw my new Rheumatologist, Dr. M. today. He was such a good doctor and asked me lots of questions and took lots of notes. A very big difference from my other Dr. D. who only talked to me like three minutes on my three visits with her. I still remember my first visit, she comes in tells me, You have Lupus, we'll start you on Plaquenil after an eye exam, see you in a month. No info no brochures, no questions about my symptoms. I'm so glad I changed doctors!
So for now my new doctor wants to do a full blood work testing, a test on my heart, echocardium sonogram of my heart. He is a litte concerned about why I have the chest pain. For now he wants me to stop taking the Naproxen (pain medication) to see if I still feel joint pain and if it is worse than before I started taking it. I usually take my pain medication twice a day at 7am and 8 pm.
I didn't take the 8pm pill it is now 10:45pm and I feel lower back pain. I was lying on my stomach earlier writing (doing my bills) and I had a lot of pain in my lower back. I could not turn myself over from so much pain. I couldn't even call out to my son to come help me from the pain. Finally I turned over on my back but I had no strength and felt a sharp pain in my lower back. I waited and little by little I got up. I want to try one day 24 hours just to see how I do without the pain medication. I am curious myself where my body is at. I also have that dry cough again and the sharp chest pain. I want to see what happens just so I can know. The Doctor thought it was rare and too soon for me to have been diagnosed with Lupus so quickly. He wants to make sure that is what I have. If I feel pain (more) than what I have, he wants to put me on steroids, which I don't want or he can tell me I don't have Lupus but something else. We will see with the blood test.
May 16, 2010- Today has been an odd day. I woke up early kind of like in a daze like sleep walking, it's 7am. I was so exhausted yet I was able to get up early I had my morning coffee and I wanted to sit outside in the backyard patio steps and just be by myself in thought and sounds. Hearing the birds chirping, I played ball with my dog Shadow, she makes me laugh. I smelled my pretty roses. I came inside and decided to watch a movie, it was about Dr. Kivorkian, the suicide doctor. Not the best movie to see I guess when you have Lupus. It's an interesting subject though. At first seeing the beginning of the movie, it made lots of sense to me by ending someone's suffering with compassion, someone that wants to die. If terminal and there is no hope for them. As for me, I know I have some sort of illness whether it is Lupus or not I won't know for sure until my new doctor tells me different. I am off my pain pills and even though there has been a few instances when I want to take them, like now, my lower back spine is hurting or I've had some bad headaches, I choose not to take the pain killers (Naproxen). I like the free will I have to say no yet I allow myself to suffer. Why?? because I am testing my own body on how much pain I can endure, not as a punishment or sacrifice thing, but to show myself, if and when it does get worse, what could be the maximum I can take. I feel my body is just that, a body, parts, organs, flesh, it should not have any bearing on my soul. I don't feel I have to suffer for God to see my soul do I?
Today I felt some shortness of breath, my dry cough, my eyes hurt so I'll need to close them pretty soon, but I don't feel tired or exhausted, just struggling to work at breathing like my lungs are not working too good right now. But back to my thoughts about Dr. Kivorkian and my opinion if I was to get to the point of wanting to end my life, I feel my faith in God would have to step in and say no. We as human beings cannot play God. Our life is not at our own will. The world could be in a better place if we all took some time and just stopped and listened. We all are born with a body, a heart, a soul, a brain, it is what we choose to do with all of it that could make a difference. It can make a difference to someone else. If we have money are we going to hoard it and save it for when and if we get to be old when there is someone who could use your help now? If we have hands and legs, are we not going to lend a helping hand to help lift someone else off the ground that is truly down? Doesn't our heart feel the pain or anquish of someone else's? Yet we don't even try to reach out to them. Our soul is going to be the only part of our body that will be going to heaven, you should ask yourself sometime, if you think you are going to heaven, "have you done more for others?"
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